Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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