Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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