He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
