Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
