having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
