so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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