Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
