I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Never joke about your clitoris.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
