I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
