i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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