i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
