I wish my penis had an off switch
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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