A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
