New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
