In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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