he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
