He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
