I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
