Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
