Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Boobs are out for the taking
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
