Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
