i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
