Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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