when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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