Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
