Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
