im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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