My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
