Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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