They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
