no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
