Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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