It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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