we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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