the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
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