Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
