I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
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