the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
