I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
