i barfeds in our rink
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
