How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
