Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Randomize
