I accidentally burped into my bong.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
