dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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