You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
