I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
