I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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