I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
