I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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