Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
