At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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