Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
How's work?
Spinning.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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