i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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